April Fool's 2017
April Fool's 2017 oplinFOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: April 1, 2017
OPLIN TO OFFER NEW TELECOMMUNICATIONS SERVICE
Most-requested service to begin in 2018
Columbus, Ohio: Many libraries have requested that OPLIN expand its telecommunications services to better serve the needs of library patrons. In 2018, OPLIN plans to roll out next-gen telepathy, in order to further accommodate these requests. This will be of particular interest to reference and readers’ advisory staff, who have often been forced to employ such arcane methods as chatting and reference interviews. With the introduction of the telepathy service, library staff will be able to quickly and efficiently determine what patrons are actually asking for at the reference desk.
The initial feedback from the testing phase has been very positive. “O.M.G. I seriously couldn’t believe how fast it was,” raved Ms. Marian Paroo, of the River City Public Library. “I knew right away which blue-covered book that man wanted.” Even library IT staff have been impressed, and have found telepathy extremely useful when troubleshooting. “Now I know if someone really rebooted that PC before they call me,” says tech specialist “Nick the IT Guy.”
Next-gen telepathy uses the latest in FTP (Foresight Transfer Protocol) and no passwords are required, since telepathy users will know them all, anyway. It also is very security conscious; telepathy uses SSL (Soundless Sensory Language) to protect patron privacy even better than a tin foil hat. However, for those who cannot handle modern technology, Tinfoil Cranial Protection (TCP) is available. The new service will be available in the second quarter of 2018, providing that no one disbelieves in telepathy. OPLIN also hopes to add related features at a later date, including teleportation and telekinesis.
About OPLIN: The Ouija Public Library Information Network provides various telecommunications and information technology services to public libraries in the state of Ohio. The staff consists of five really smart people with a sense of humor, three of whom admit to punning.